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Democratic National Convention Schedule
Boston, Massachusetts
6:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
6:05 PM - Pledge of Allegiance
to the U.N.
6:15 PM - Secular Prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
6:30 PM - Antiwar Concert by Barbara
Streisand
6:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
7:00 PM - Tribute to France
7:10 PM - Collect Offerings for al-Zawahri
Defense Fund
7:25 PM - Tribute to Germany
7:45 PM - Antiwar Rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:25 PM - Ted Kennedy
Proposes a Toast
8:30 PM - Terrorist Appeasement Workshop
9:00 PM - Roundtable Discussion of Taxes: "Calling for Higher
Taxes on Others While You Pay None"
9:15 PM - Bill & Hillary Clinton Host a Seminar on "The Successful Selling of White
House & Air Force One Mementos on eBay"
9:20 PM - Gay Marriage Ceremony (Both Male and Female Couples)
9:30 PM -
* Intermission * Special Guest Soloist Jane Fonda
10:00 PM - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10
PM - Reenactment of Kerry's Fake Medal Toss
10:20 PM - Howard Dean Screamfest 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30 PM - Seminar: "The
Boy Scouts and Other Paramilitary threats to National Security"
10:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
10:45 PM - Abortion
Demonstration (NARAL)
11:00 PM - Multiple Gay Marriage Ceremony (Threesomes, Mixed and Same-Sex)
11:15 PM - 'Maximizing
Welfare' Workshop
11:30 PM - 'Free Saddam' Pep Rally
11:50 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
12:00 AM - Kerry-Edwards
2004 Sealed With A Kiss
12:01 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
12:02 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take
off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A:
The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a
dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A:
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician
with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax
collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A:
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen
look good.
Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.
Q:
How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
They
say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going.
When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
Difference Between Republicans and Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when
they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business
for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another
homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats
Once Again, the
Truth Prevails
A woman in
a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am."
The man consulted
his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her
eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied
the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered
the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled
and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied
the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said
the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem. You're
in exactly the same position you were
in before we met, but somehow now, it's my fault."
Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southern Republican?
What with elections
coming up, we should all decide.
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats,
Republicans and Southern
Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with
you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not
enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or Oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would
inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like
a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety
built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is
this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to
come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer :
* BANG! *
Southern Republican's Answer:
* BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click *
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit
9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He
hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky
frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the
next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood
and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the
man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit
Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what
the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his
winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to ever repay
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He
figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name
is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Bill Clinton blasted President Bush's foreign policy
this week, declaring that "you cannot kill, jail or occupy all of your adversaries." Clinton went on to explain that if this
was indeed possible, "there'd be a hell of a lot more dead bimbos in Arkansas."
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood
in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. Hillary asked St. Peter, "What are
all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone
on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Hillary. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" asked Hillary.
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as
ceiling fan."
Three men , a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President Bush are out walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes
total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and
my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. "With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'
the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I
want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of
the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell
me more about this
wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet
thick and completely
surrounds the country; nothing can get in or
out---virtually impenetrable."
President Bush says, "Very
impressive. Fill it with water."
PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? Titanic
or The Clinton Video?
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist
TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good
cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets
ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her
gifts
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of
seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically
the same thing
A Daughter-Father Talk
One time there
was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very
liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like
welfare.
He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but
it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless
because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because
of all her studying.
He then asked how her friend Mary, who was attending the same college, was doing.
She
replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on campus and was at
parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.
He then asked his daughter
why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that
only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.
The daughter fired back and said "that wouldn't
be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".
The father smiled and said: "Welcome to the Republican
Party".
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